The incredibly hostile FAQs about: Teh War

More tomorrow on TV, cartoons, and escapism. In the meanwhile:

This is the first in what I hope is a recurring series. Today, we answer silly questions about Iraq.

1. So, are we going to send more troops? Hell yes! Bush just needs to have someone to tell him that it's not the frickin stupidest idea he's come up with yet, and the 11 percent of Americans who support this option (patron saint: John McCain) just don't cut it anymore.


2. The American people are such a disappointment. Who's got the president's back? Here's a hint: he's a Dick, and he shot a 70-year old man in the face. If you will, think of Cheney as being Bush's BFF, there to counsel him about a bad relationship by just repeating back neutral words to the president until Bush decides to do what he always wanted to do anyway, only in this case he's confusing the current ex-girlfriend who has killed 3,000 people with a different one that blew up a building with 3,000 people inside, and he seems to want to escalate matters by buying an engagement ring even though all three of her multiple personalities just tried to kill him and all of his other acquaintances are telling him that his plan is nuts.


3. Will it work to send more troops? Hell no. We'll have the same "success" that we did with Operation Together Forward II, Operation Together Forward, and the other seventeen attempts we've made to pacify Baghdad.

• What are we fighting for? Don't tell me, I don't give a damn. Next year we'll bomb Iran...


• That's great, but I still don't understand. Can you use a burrito as an analogy? But of course!! Imagine that victory in Iraq is like eating a nice hot burrito, but we don't have an oven, or a microwave, or any obvious way to make fire. We had a balky hot plate called the IAEA, which would have slowly warmed up the burrito so that we could have eaten eventually, but we were impatient and tossed it out the window. Some clever fellows from the Project for a New American Century wrote a paper a few years back saying that if one runs rapidly into a wall, the kinetic energy can be turned into heat, so we decided to try that instead. Having run into a wall headfirst about eight or nine times, we've got a splitting headache, our ears are bleeding, the burrito is coming apart and has been dropped on the floor a few times, and we're considering what to do next. John McCain says we haven't been running into the wall headfirst hard enough, so he recommends putting on roller skates and skating into the wall at twice the speed. Some members of the democratic leadership of the senate are hinting that they may go along with that once, but have begun to backpedal away from that. Liberals have been saying we should just give up on the burrito and order a pizza instead, but people accuse them of being hippies and say that they're not "serious", whatever that means.
  
  Is that clearer now?